A research mission was launched when I got home and by September we were to start our foster trainings and home study and licensing agents being in our home and preparing our home for a little one to come. The official word came in June that we were licensed. And we waited.
And as we waited there was this nagging little seed inside my brain that maybe we shouldn't give up all hope on having our own baby. That maybe there was one more doctor we hadn't seen, one more procedure to try, just one more prayer that needed to be said. So we jumped and gave another a try, completed one more procedure and were once again told that our chances didn't look any better.
Over a bottle (or two) of wine we decided to give it to the garden. We have seen (a dozen times) The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Time and time again I've said, "let's do that! Let's make our list and give it to the garden." My passion for cheesy movie cliches and grand gestures isn't shared and I often get a confused, blank stare. But on this night, after a bit of wine and lots of talk, the agreement was made that we would give our responsibility in the bearing of children up. We wrote an agreement that we would no longer force ourselves through infertility treatments or discussion of what we would 'do' next in regards to completing our family. Instead we would turn over all trust to God and what was to be, would be. So we wrote the agreement. We signed the agreement. We gave it to the most stubborn, yet strong, plant in our garden- the oregano. We agreed that from that moment if one of us started to panic and think...I'm a chronic over thinker!...we would remind each other that we gave it to the oregano to protect and to be quiet and wait for God's plan. Then we turned on the sprinkler, after digging a hole beneath the oregano and dropping in our agreement, and danced in our garden.
And peace came. A beautiful, wonderful, amazing peace entered my heart and soul. And I knew that we had so many blessings and having children to care for in our home would not make me a better person. I started to forgive my body for its imperfections and I began to love myself. I routinely counted blessings (friends, family, nieces, experiences, faith, safety, good food, the opportunity to teach, a school I love, all things small and big got counted).
One morning, as I was leaving to teach summer school, I looked in the mirror and was genuinely happy. I was confident, loved and enjoyed the things I was doing in my life. My aurora was aglow and all was right with the world.
If I could have known that moment was fleeting and just a short-lived moment. Two days later, our life would change.